Oui Oui. Ahh Paris, a land of incredible crowds, even more impressive sites, and BO that could kill a big horse. Although there distaste of Americans has gotten better, in which I mean they tolerate their existence, nose however still upturned. Paris is the only city I have ever been to that hides it coolest places. Like Rome, they direct the thousands of tourists daily to 4 or 5 big locations, let a few hundred into the more obscure, and deny access to French society. Which by the way isn't really a way to live in the first place. And here comes our first list.
Ways to behave like French society:
-Smoke tons of cigarettes
-Eat your lunch while in movement
-Overpay for everything, and love it.
-Wear obscure clothing that doesn't fit the season
-Sound obnoxious (but possibly being polite)
-Grope people on the subway
-Follow 20 Vans or Trucks blasting techno down the street in an obscure hardcore parade on Bastille day.
I've seen a lot of things in my life, but the pathetic parade of people following van after van of hardcore techno (and bad techno...I think...I mean I didn't hear the Mortal Kombat theme or Zombie Nation) blasting at ear splitting levels. It wasn't just the sheer ridiculousness that this was even being allowed, but rather how into it these people were. Each van having its own crowd of loyal fans head banging and fist pumping their dirty fingers in hypnosis. Phew, I wasn't sure if I would have been able to check that one off my bucket list.
This was obviously a bit off the grid in the city, and totally worth it, but the rest of Paris is filled with tourists dying to see its greatest sites, and swift locals hawking the junk that they buy. Did you know that people are still falling for the game where you have to find the ball under the cup? Twenty years running and the general public still haven't figured it out its a scan, incredible. That's the ups and downs of the city though, awe inspiring highs, and very frustrating lows.
One of the most amazing structures I have ever witnessed though is the Eifell tower which made me feel very very small next to it. We spent one night watching fireworks on the 2nd level of the tower at sunset, which is 10:15 btw, and another amongst nearly a hundred thousand people celebrating Bastille day in the most impressive fireworks spectacular I have ever seen. I thought we were going to see a band...seriously...needless to say it was beyond awesome. Bastille Day + Eiffel tower you certainly deserve to make the 1000 things to do before you die book.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tq6FZENAS9w
If you ever left a Yankee game you know how horrible it is to take the 4 train back in Manhattan, now multiply that by 165 million (gross exaggeration) aka the same number Brussels choose to magnify a crystal and build what is now called The Atomium. I forgot to mention this in my past blog, but Belgium choose to magnify a crystal and then build what it would look like life size. I went in 5 of the 9 balls, yup this happened. Just stop reading now and google it, ill wait. Located right next to mini-Europe, this was choosen to be a major landmark of the country. Anyway, leaving the Eiffel Spectacular was the equivalent of dumping an entire barrel of jelly beans into a funnel. Sorry, that really should have been a pop culture reference, I must be tired. It was hot, smelly, uncomfortable and one of the worst hour and a half I have spent since sitting through Transformers 2.
The Tour DE France is going on, and although we didn't actually see it I enjoyed the countries fascination with watching endless hours of a crowd of people biking together. If you watch it long enough its just one big orgy of follow the leader, yet I'm hooked. Go Yellow....I think.
And finally:
My ranking of Paris, France and Paris related nouns:
1) The Eiffel Tower
2) French bread
3) Notre Dame
4) Schwepps Lemon drink
5) Champs Elysee and Arc D'Triomphe
6) Techno Parade
7) Pulp Fiction scene about a Royale with Cheese
8) Musee D'Orsay
9) From Paris with Love
10) Paris hilton
Sorry no pics, but randomness remains above, and with that I say au revoir to Paris and Hoy! to Holland. Time to be Dutch for a month.
As always, Aloha means goodbye for now.
- Foxx
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Blogium
As I write this the guy across from me is gnawing on his nails with his eyes closed and frowning. It's a super intense nail biting sesh that hasn't been replicated since man licking shoes on subway (youtube it) has self grooming been brought to this level.
Well folks, its good to be back on the Euro blog. For those that are new to my blogosphere when I go on vacation Foxxtacklesthecity does too. So for next month, you can follow me, and all of the bloggy goodness here as Foxx once again, TACKLES THE GLOBE.
First stop: Belgium
Antwerp specifically, and I told myself over and over that I would not use this joke, but I'm gonna do it anyway, its filled with a bunch of twerps. For any belgian people reading this, you are not twerps, but I haven't been able to use that word for at least 10 years and I couldn't contain myself. I also saw Transformers 3 twice in theaters, did I need to see it a 2nd time, nope, but I couldn't contain myself. Whether it be using a near obsolete word or autonomous robots battling over a flimsy plot line, when the crave hits, I don't get White Castle, I go see a bunch of robotic twerps battle for 2.5 hours. (Sorry, horrible joke, lackluster paragragh, better than I expected movie)
But I digress. I really loved Belgium, and it wasn't because you could take in the entire country in one meal.
How to take in Belgium in one meal:
-Sit down and immediately light a cigarette
- order a beer (duval, chimay, vedette)
- complain about anything that you can possibly think of
- order mussels (aka Moules) with fries (fritjes)
- eat moules
- drown fries in mayonaise
- have a waffle covered in chocolate
- have another cigarette
And just like that, you have been to Belgium and back.
Antwerp definitely had its share of interesting moments and scenes though. Not only do they have a diamond district that rivals ours in NYC, but they are so obsessed with diamonds that they have a museum called Diamond town. There are Jews everywhere, which obviously goes hand in hand with the diamonds, but they are some hardcore orthodox Jews. We are talking people who carry hat boxes for the hat on their head. I felt only moderately at home, as I only had 1 hat, and no box for it....and it was a yankee cap....that I may or may not have used as a catfood tray at one point. Ok, well we both like matzah, that I'm sure of.
Did you know that Antwerp has the 3rd ranked most beautiful train station in the world, behind one that I can't remember, and Grand Central. Granted the inside of GC is gorgeous, but can you actually picture the outside of it? I can't, and don't say the Met life bldg either because that is neither pretty nor GC.
I lost another love of my life, my beloved beard trimmer. Damn, euro wattage! For 5 weeks I had a trimmed beard, now I'm back to looking like Joaquin Phoneix when he pretended to go crazy and inadvertently ruined his career. I see a similar future
for my own blog, but at this point your already committed so just keep reading.
In Antwerp, gangs travels together in white t shirts ala West Side Story. Ok, so I don't actually know if it was a gang, but when 9 dudes all walk past you in white tees (non V neck, the horror!) you just assume they are going to break out in choreographed dance, and they so did!.....not.
Brussels was the other city visited on my Belgium tour, and I must say the mussels from Brussels are all they are cracked up to be. They are succulent, fresh, and well prepared, then Jean Claude Van Damme told me to stop humping his leg. I told him I was the only person in America to see Sudden Death, he didn't like that, but I was. Seriously, how does a rogue off duty cop find his way onto the ice and hold the blackhawks scoreless for an entire period? Seriously? With no experience or even mention that he played ice hockey before. That's not what bothers me though, its that he leaves his kid in the stands for 2 periods while he tries to defuse a bomb, that's bad parenting. Honestly, the mussels were incredible, but Bloodsport was better.
Another thing I love about Belgium, all of Europe except Holland actually, is how they change the titles of movies. Larry Crowne becomes "It's never too late" (why they didn't just go with the name I have no idea, Battle: Los Angeles becomes Los Angeles: Maxium Alert. Hangover 2 is "Very Bad Trip", The Other Guys is "Very Bad Cops" and The Green Hornet is just renamed "Very Bad Movie"
One very unsettling thing about Brussels however is the garbage corollary, as in it doesn't exist. Numerous time I saw non-bums pick things out of the garbage and either eat them or put them in their pocket. A man drank half a coke and walked away, 10 minutes later another came by, shook the can, and downed the rest. A woman picked a flier out of a trash receptacle, shook off whatever was stuck to it, then folded it and put it in her bag. I'm all for waste nothing/recycle everything but this brings it to a whole new and disgusting level.
No random tangent because as you can can probably tell, the entire blog was a random tangent. No pic of the week either bc we have no comp to upload them on, but au revoir for now as Paris, France is calling.
Aloha means goodbye.
- Foxx
Well folks, its good to be back on the Euro blog. For those that are new to my blogosphere when I go on vacation Foxxtacklesthecity does too. So for next month, you can follow me, and all of the bloggy goodness here as Foxx once again, TACKLES THE GLOBE.
First stop: Belgium
Antwerp specifically, and I told myself over and over that I would not use this joke, but I'm gonna do it anyway, its filled with a bunch of twerps. For any belgian people reading this, you are not twerps, but I haven't been able to use that word for at least 10 years and I couldn't contain myself. I also saw Transformers 3 twice in theaters, did I need to see it a 2nd time, nope, but I couldn't contain myself. Whether it be using a near obsolete word or autonomous robots battling over a flimsy plot line, when the crave hits, I don't get White Castle, I go see a bunch of robotic twerps battle for 2.5 hours. (Sorry, horrible joke, lackluster paragragh, better than I expected movie)
But I digress. I really loved Belgium, and it wasn't because you could take in the entire country in one meal.
How to take in Belgium in one meal:
-Sit down and immediately light a cigarette
- order a beer (duval, chimay, vedette)
- complain about anything that you can possibly think of
- order mussels (aka Moules) with fries (fritjes)
- eat moules
- drown fries in mayonaise
- have a waffle covered in chocolate
- have another cigarette
And just like that, you have been to Belgium and back.
Antwerp definitely had its share of interesting moments and scenes though. Not only do they have a diamond district that rivals ours in NYC, but they are so obsessed with diamonds that they have a museum called Diamond town. There are Jews everywhere, which obviously goes hand in hand with the diamonds, but they are some hardcore orthodox Jews. We are talking people who carry hat boxes for the hat on their head. I felt only moderately at home, as I only had 1 hat, and no box for it....and it was a yankee cap....that I may or may not have used as a catfood tray at one point. Ok, well we both like matzah, that I'm sure of.
Did you know that Antwerp has the 3rd ranked most beautiful train station in the world, behind one that I can't remember, and Grand Central. Granted the inside of GC is gorgeous, but can you actually picture the outside of it? I can't, and don't say the Met life bldg either because that is neither pretty nor GC.
I lost another love of my life, my beloved beard trimmer. Damn, euro wattage! For 5 weeks I had a trimmed beard, now I'm back to looking like Joaquin Phoneix when he pretended to go crazy and inadvertently ruined his career. I see a similar future
for my own blog, but at this point your already committed so just keep reading.
In Antwerp, gangs travels together in white t shirts ala West Side Story. Ok, so I don't actually know if it was a gang, but when 9 dudes all walk past you in white tees (non V neck, the horror!) you just assume they are going to break out in choreographed dance, and they so did!.....not.
Brussels was the other city visited on my Belgium tour, and I must say the mussels from Brussels are all they are cracked up to be. They are succulent, fresh, and well prepared, then Jean Claude Van Damme told me to stop humping his leg. I told him I was the only person in America to see Sudden Death, he didn't like that, but I was. Seriously, how does a rogue off duty cop find his way onto the ice and hold the blackhawks scoreless for an entire period? Seriously? With no experience or even mention that he played ice hockey before. That's not what bothers me though, its that he leaves his kid in the stands for 2 periods while he tries to defuse a bomb, that's bad parenting. Honestly, the mussels were incredible, but Bloodsport was better.
Another thing I love about Belgium, all of Europe except Holland actually, is how they change the titles of movies. Larry Crowne becomes "It's never too late" (why they didn't just go with the name I have no idea, Battle: Los Angeles becomes Los Angeles: Maxium Alert. Hangover 2 is "Very Bad Trip", The Other Guys is "Very Bad Cops" and The Green Hornet is just renamed "Very Bad Movie"
One very unsettling thing about Brussels however is the garbage corollary, as in it doesn't exist. Numerous time I saw non-bums pick things out of the garbage and either eat them or put them in their pocket. A man drank half a coke and walked away, 10 minutes later another came by, shook the can, and downed the rest. A woman picked a flier out of a trash receptacle, shook off whatever was stuck to it, then folded it and put it in her bag. I'm all for waste nothing/recycle everything but this brings it to a whole new and disgusting level.
No random tangent because as you can can probably tell, the entire blog was a random tangent. No pic of the week either bc we have no comp to upload them on, but au revoir for now as Paris, France is calling.
Aloha means goodbye.
- Foxx
Friday, February 4, 2011
A Supersized Superblog
The Superbowl is here! (half hearted Yay) the Jets aren’t in it, (single tear going down my cheek), time to make some stupid prop bets (screams of glee). It’s been a tough few weeks, but I’m over it finally. We still beat the Pats, we still went to the final four for the second straight year, and because of it I have began growing my first ever beard. It’s a mixture of red, brown, and black pubic like hair that ascends in various positions on my face; making its main colonies across my jaw line and planting its flag across the double chin region. What was once a democracy has now become a dictatorship of facial hair, I can hear Gollum whispering in my ear “Don’t shave the precious”. Check it off the bucket list, this one has staying power. I am going to look so cool when I am skiing.
___________________________________________________________________________
This part of the blog was written during a riveting class that I am currently taking:
Is the guy behind me sleeping? He must be, only a bear could possibly make a noise like that. Ok, I’m gonna turn around, No! No freaking way! He is awake! And subsequently now staring at me. Which makes sense considering that my face is a mix of shock, surprise, awe and even a bit of jealousy; do I say something? Do I move my seat? Do I ask him to be my new ring tone? It sounds like he has already begun his winter hibernation. I keep turning around, expecting to see him out cold sleeping in a pool of his own drool, yet he is more focused than I am. It sounds like he drank 6 beers, took a Tylenol pm and chased it with two shots of Nyquil, dude aint getting up until Spring… or he is just taking incredibly fastidious notes. In fact, his paper is loaded with notes about Leadership Recreation, and mine is full of notes of the different sounds he is making. He is actually drowning out the teacher. Maybe he is one of those open eye sleepers? Is it possible to have sleep apnea when you are awake? Wait he just snorted! That tells me nothing! Ok, and he just breathed in, now out; What has my life come to that I am not only blogging, but am completely fascinated, no hypnotized, by a strangers breathing. You know when you watch stupid movies or TV shows and they phone in someone (usually as cheap comic relief) sleeping by making their snores ten times the decibel level of any normal human being, well that’s fat Malik Yoba behind me.
I’m so mesmerized by him that I’m feel the need to write a haiku.
Snort, snore and sniffle,
Your breathing defies logic;
How are you awake?
And if your reading this:
Not making fun
amazed at your superpower,
how do you do it?
________________________________________________________________________
Ever notice that standard school (regardless of level) clocks are all exactly the same, but yet they have one subtle difference: the second hand. It’s always red, balancing the black hour and minute hands and the courier font numbers that surround its grey outside, but the one difference is the way that second hand moves. Either it will slowly slide around its axis without stopping or it will stop after every second before moving onto the next line. For what it’s worth, time goes much faster when it is constantly moving, and yes I know there is no difference, but really there is. In fact, when you get the clock that has the second hand that pauses I can swear that it moves backwards every once in a while. I am also positive that the more bored you get the longer it sticks on each line. This isn’t a theory; it’s the downright inconvenient truth. Al Gore and I both have one thing in common. We open people’s eyes to complete nonsense. Just wait, your time will come, and you will be begging that you had a standard clock where the second hand never stops.
Also blogged when I was completely enthralled during class.
________________________________________________________________________
So I have a new jacket, and I decided that I am going to give the bum on 86st street subway station my old jacket. Why? Well first off, because he is a bum who is wearing just a t-shirt in the midst of the worst winter in recent NYC history, but really I like the personal attention that you receive that Goodwill just doesn’t offer. And who knows, maybe I will get a new friend out of it, or dare I say it, new roommate? I can see it now, Me, Jacket bum, and my two cats living it up UES style. In my vision it is assumed that Laura has not only moved out, but also broken up with me, or if we really want to play soothsayer, Laura falls in love with the bum, shaves him like Travolta in Michael and does the reverse pretty woman. Ill accept either vision.
Before I give him the jacket though, I have thought of a number of different ways that would be appropriate, and if you know me, then you know that I am not just going to hand him my favorite winter jacket of all time and just walk away. So I compiled a list of possible ways to giving it to him. You the reader will decide what I do.
Ways to coat a bum:
• Give him the coat bc I am such a selfless person and want to see happiness in other (hopefully wont happening)
• Offer him the jacket in exchange for a 2 minutes video where he pimps my blog
• Fill my coat with all sorts of items (chicken, hat, pudding, socks, a gameboy, a charger to a phone I no longer have, Chuck Klosterman’s latest book, beer, etc) and continue handing it to him until I have nothing left. At which point I will take off my coat, then my shirt, and then just walk away.
• Put the jacket on a string, and have him follow it all the way to First Avenue as if he was chasing a dollar. Then hope he stays there.
• Offer him a Klondike Bar or the Coat. If he picks the wrong one he doesn’t get either.
• Tell him that in order to get a free coat he has to drink a 6 pack of 4Loko. Then let the theatrics begin
• Scavenger hunt. If he completes all the tasks he wins the coat.
• Drop the coat off at Goodwill (Def. not happening)
Jake, is getting a new coat whether he likes it or not, and it will change his life…and maybe mine too; Jacket Jake, my new best friend.
___________________________________________________________________________
RRandom Tangent of the blog:
-Add ride a blimp to my bucket list, and cross of star in a movie off.
-I make the best buffalo chicken dip in New York State. No, I will not give out my recipe, but residents of Tin Lizzie Sunday night will enjoy it in all its wondrous and delicious bowl inducing delight.
-Remember the Titans gets better every time I watch it. I am so glad I went with it as my five minute movie over Encino Man. Attitude reflects leadership Captain. I am putting the over/under at 5.5 girls crying when Gary gets paralyzed and 2.5 boys.
-Just so we are clear, I called Jersey Shore going to Italy after season one, I told everyone that it was inevitable, and I believe I even posted it on Facebook. I knew the show was going this direction before you did, I win MTV.
-A report that I received recently that may or may not have been about a book quoting a piece of the essay as “Then I stroked her, stroked her long and good, until I could feel the purr inside me.” No idea that it had anything sexually related at all whatsoever in it either. Yup, these are my co-workers.
___________________________________________________________________________
This part of the blog was written during a riveting class that I am currently taking:
Is the guy behind me sleeping? He must be, only a bear could possibly make a noise like that. Ok, I’m gonna turn around, No! No freaking way! He is awake! And subsequently now staring at me. Which makes sense considering that my face is a mix of shock, surprise, awe and even a bit of jealousy; do I say something? Do I move my seat? Do I ask him to be my new ring tone? It sounds like he has already begun his winter hibernation. I keep turning around, expecting to see him out cold sleeping in a pool of his own drool, yet he is more focused than I am. It sounds like he drank 6 beers, took a Tylenol pm and chased it with two shots of Nyquil, dude aint getting up until Spring… or he is just taking incredibly fastidious notes. In fact, his paper is loaded with notes about Leadership Recreation, and mine is full of notes of the different sounds he is making. He is actually drowning out the teacher. Maybe he is one of those open eye sleepers? Is it possible to have sleep apnea when you are awake? Wait he just snorted! That tells me nothing! Ok, and he just breathed in, now out; What has my life come to that I am not only blogging, but am completely fascinated, no hypnotized, by a strangers breathing. You know when you watch stupid movies or TV shows and they phone in someone (usually as cheap comic relief) sleeping by making their snores ten times the decibel level of any normal human being, well that’s fat Malik Yoba behind me.
I’m so mesmerized by him that I’m feel the need to write a haiku.
Snort, snore and sniffle,
Your breathing defies logic;
How are you awake?
And if your reading this:
Not making fun
amazed at your superpower,
how do you do it?
________________________________________________________________________
Ever notice that standard school (regardless of level) clocks are all exactly the same, but yet they have one subtle difference: the second hand. It’s always red, balancing the black hour and minute hands and the courier font numbers that surround its grey outside, but the one difference is the way that second hand moves. Either it will slowly slide around its axis without stopping or it will stop after every second before moving onto the next line. For what it’s worth, time goes much faster when it is constantly moving, and yes I know there is no difference, but really there is. In fact, when you get the clock that has the second hand that pauses I can swear that it moves backwards every once in a while. I am also positive that the more bored you get the longer it sticks on each line. This isn’t a theory; it’s the downright inconvenient truth. Al Gore and I both have one thing in common. We open people’s eyes to complete nonsense. Just wait, your time will come, and you will be begging that you had a standard clock where the second hand never stops.
Also blogged when I was completely enthralled during class.
________________________________________________________________________
So I have a new jacket, and I decided that I am going to give the bum on 86st street subway station my old jacket. Why? Well first off, because he is a bum who is wearing just a t-shirt in the midst of the worst winter in recent NYC history, but really I like the personal attention that you receive that Goodwill just doesn’t offer. And who knows, maybe I will get a new friend out of it, or dare I say it, new roommate? I can see it now, Me, Jacket bum, and my two cats living it up UES style. In my vision it is assumed that Laura has not only moved out, but also broken up with me, or if we really want to play soothsayer, Laura falls in love with the bum, shaves him like Travolta in Michael and does the reverse pretty woman. Ill accept either vision.
Before I give him the jacket though, I have thought of a number of different ways that would be appropriate, and if you know me, then you know that I am not just going to hand him my favorite winter jacket of all time and just walk away. So I compiled a list of possible ways to giving it to him. You the reader will decide what I do.
Ways to coat a bum:
• Give him the coat bc I am such a selfless person and want to see happiness in other (hopefully wont happening)
• Offer him the jacket in exchange for a 2 minutes video where he pimps my blog
• Fill my coat with all sorts of items (chicken, hat, pudding, socks, a gameboy, a charger to a phone I no longer have, Chuck Klosterman’s latest book, beer, etc) and continue handing it to him until I have nothing left. At which point I will take off my coat, then my shirt, and then just walk away.
• Put the jacket on a string, and have him follow it all the way to First Avenue as if he was chasing a dollar. Then hope he stays there.
• Offer him a Klondike Bar or the Coat. If he picks the wrong one he doesn’t get either.
• Tell him that in order to get a free coat he has to drink a 6 pack of 4Loko. Then let the theatrics begin
• Scavenger hunt. If he completes all the tasks he wins the coat.
• Drop the coat off at Goodwill (Def. not happening)
Jake, is getting a new coat whether he likes it or not, and it will change his life…and maybe mine too; Jacket Jake, my new best friend.
___________________________________________________________________________
RRandom Tangent of the blog:
-Add ride a blimp to my bucket list, and cross of star in a movie off.
-I make the best buffalo chicken dip in New York State. No, I will not give out my recipe, but residents of Tin Lizzie Sunday night will enjoy it in all its wondrous and delicious bowl inducing delight.
-Remember the Titans gets better every time I watch it. I am so glad I went with it as my five minute movie over Encino Man. Attitude reflects leadership Captain. I am putting the over/under at 5.5 girls crying when Gary gets paralyzed and 2.5 boys.
-Just so we are clear, I called Jersey Shore going to Italy after season one, I told everyone that it was inevitable, and I believe I even posted it on Facebook. I knew the show was going this direction before you did, I win MTV.
-A report that I received recently that may or may not have been about a book quoting a piece of the essay as “Then I stroked her, stroked her long and good, until I could feel the purr inside me.” No idea that it had anything sexually related at all whatsoever in it either. Yup, these are my co-workers.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Switzerland - where the summer heat brings out the best of the ice.
Switzerland, what an awesome country. Just stunning. Every 5 minutes or so I would point at something and say "doesn't that look like Pandora!" Every city is more picturesque then the last and the sights are incredible. Just massive amounts of rolling hills, mountains with snow capped peaks, mists of fog everywhere and gorgeous water falls and lakes that are extremely clear and almost green, the good green, not pollution green. This was all even more evident in today's hike through the waterfalls. Just an absolutely fantastic place that I don't want to leave.
Switzerland, Interlaken especially, may be the home of extreme sports but it is the home of extreme expenses. This country is just crazy expensive, everything just costs so much, even above New York prices. Not interesting but worth mentioning if anybody reading wants to visit the Swiss. So make sure you save up, but trust me, it is worth it. Just unbelievable sights and activities.
Switzerland is neutral, as in they don't start fights or fight back. The people aren't mean, nor are they super nice, just neutral. They are the home of the UN, how much more neutral can you get? With all of this neutrality however why were they the villains then in Cool Runnings? Of course they were the best bobsled team in the olympics, but they were also the meanest to those fun loving Jamaicans. Josef Grul may have been the best bobsled driver in the world, but his attitude towards Derice and the boys was just flat out aggresive. That doesn't exactly scream neutral, but you know who was neutral, the Americans. Not only did they give them their practice bobsled, but they also forgave Wolf Blitzer for his infamous cheating incident from the 78 olympics. The ironic part of all of this, if anything America is never neutral, we are the bullies of world politics, negotiations and warfare. The Swiss meanwhile (except for that dick Grul) have been nothing but an upstanding country. Their flag is even has the first aid symbol (actually the sign of neutrality) representing them. But onto more important matters, how 4 young men from Jaimaca changed the hearts of even the darkest men in Switzerland. Let me lay out some difficulties that they had for you. Snow: they didn't have any. It's nine hundred degrees out there. Time: they didn't have any. The Olympics were in three months. And Irv: As far as he was concerned, the sport of bobsledding no longer exists. He didn't want to do it, coach it, and most of all, and I mean most of all, he didn't want to be within two thousand miles of anybody who does. Now did you follow all that? When does pesky Rasta heads nobody liked them, and you know why because "We're different. People are always afraid of what's different". Then Grul came around warning them about Number Twelve turn. Which was "Scary, ja?". But nevertheless Junior and Yul saw a a bad-ass mother who don't take no crap off of nobody and got there revenge in a bar room brawl. When they crashed though and carried the sled through the finish line, guess who was the first person there slow clapping for them? Grul, that's who? Was he happy about it, nope, sad? Nope, angry? Maybe a little, but neutral, you bet.
Yup, I kinda like that movie.
After a grueling day of the high ropes course I ran into a guy just waiting for his next acitivity, Bungy jumping. Mine, napping. As I walked away about to nap the crap out of the late afternoon I heard him say "you only live once." 4 hours later I'm standing 450 feet off the ground in a Gondola with him and 10 other US soldiers. "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. The ground is hurtling at me really fast, did I set this weeks fantasy line up? I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, wait I feel a tug, I'm attached to a rope! I'm gonna live!" Except insert 8 seconds of high pitched girly screams instead. Invigorating, euphoric and sick was the best way to describe it.
The next day we all went Canyoning, which is essentially being dropped inside a 300 foot water canyon for an afternoon. The only way out, sliding down waterfalls, jumping into random pits of water 30 feet off the ground, and rappeling down rocks. It was sick! beyond crazy and one of the most extreme things I've ever done in my life. What nutty Swisser originally decided that jumping off cliffs into water with unknown dephs and sliding down rocks from earth-made water slides was smart? Regardless, my hats off to you sir, that was epic. Also a special shout out to Dionne and Laura who were the only 2 girls on the trip of 22 that did not want any part of the afternoon but powered through like true soldiers. I owe you Laura, and I know it. Burger King on me baby.
Weird food of the week: 3 Species Burger. Bun, lettuce, tomato, onion, ketchup, burger, fried chicken, 4 strips of Bacon, bun. Intense.
Speaking of those 10 soldiers, let's play a little game called "Can I name all my new friends?"
Aaron, Steve, Leon Lee, Ernie, Jameson, Michael, Ian aka young Stephen Baldwin, Dewey, Anthony, and umm uhhh Boy I don't know. Crap, so close.
9 really awesome and jacked up dudes....and Dewey. All of them with perfect chins, and shredded abs....and Dewey. Nothing makes you feel really fat more than being surrounded by 82 pectorals...and Dewey. I totally bought a scale since then.
I am not gonna lie though, I was intimidated, if they weren't screaming about MEAT they were imitating Ultimate Warrior youtube videos. I get it guys, the warrior gets a rocket, puts fuel in it and fills it with more Warriors. After all my stupid questions were over though I was accepted into their brotherhood. What stupid questions you ask? Have you killed anybody? Do you play Modern Warfare? Have you seen Transformers? Do you play fantasy football? - No (but some assists), Yes, Yes, No.
Our last night while pregaming before the club we were screaming about the usual past quiet hours when one of the hostel attendants came in and instead of reprimanding us about being loud, took one look around the shirtless room and said "Not even close" and walked out. You guys truly made my last weekend unforgettable. Just awesome dudes fighting for our country, inhaling protein and slaying dragons aka fat chicks.
Oh and one more thing, icing the crap out of each other. Talk about bros icing bros, they took it to another level. All ice, all the time. For example: right before we bungy jumped Dewey put 8 ices on the table. I can only imagine what the hostel cleaners thought when they saw 6 dudes sharing a room but a garbage can filled to the brim with nothing but smirnoff Ice.
Here's a list of the more creative icings of the weekend:
The trap - giving an ice to someone knowing that they are holding one, just to suprise them with another ice back because the whole time you were holding two.
The shower - sliding a ice right into the suds.
The check in - being presented with an ice when getting your room key by the hostel attendant.
The pillow - hiding an ice in your pillow.
The goat - doing "the goat" but with a smirnoff there instead.
The sandwich - two pieces of bread, a slice of cheese, and an ice. (And my go to move of the weekend)
The message from god - an ice tied to a string and dangled from above.
The mine field - ices strategically planted all over the room.
After all the time this past weekend spent on one knee though, At this point, Just like the Swiss, I'm kinda neutral to the taste.
To my fans, thanks again for reading and I hope you continue to follow when I continue blogging during the school year.
It was an awesome trip and as amazing as it was, in the immortal words of Captain Anthony "I want to go home."
Auf Wiederluege
Switzerland, Interlaken especially, may be the home of extreme sports but it is the home of extreme expenses. This country is just crazy expensive, everything just costs so much, even above New York prices. Not interesting but worth mentioning if anybody reading wants to visit the Swiss. So make sure you save up, but trust me, it is worth it. Just unbelievable sights and activities.
Switzerland is neutral, as in they don't start fights or fight back. The people aren't mean, nor are they super nice, just neutral. They are the home of the UN, how much more neutral can you get? With all of this neutrality however why were they the villains then in Cool Runnings? Of course they were the best bobsled team in the olympics, but they were also the meanest to those fun loving Jamaicans. Josef Grul may have been the best bobsled driver in the world, but his attitude towards Derice and the boys was just flat out aggresive. That doesn't exactly scream neutral, but you know who was neutral, the Americans. Not only did they give them their practice bobsled, but they also forgave Wolf Blitzer for his infamous cheating incident from the 78 olympics. The ironic part of all of this, if anything America is never neutral, we are the bullies of world politics, negotiations and warfare. The Swiss meanwhile (except for that dick Grul) have been nothing but an upstanding country. Their flag is even has the first aid symbol (actually the sign of neutrality) representing them. But onto more important matters, how 4 young men from Jaimaca changed the hearts of even the darkest men in Switzerland. Let me lay out some difficulties that they had for you. Snow: they didn't have any. It's nine hundred degrees out there. Time: they didn't have any. The Olympics were in three months. And Irv: As far as he was concerned, the sport of bobsledding no longer exists. He didn't want to do it, coach it, and most of all, and I mean most of all, he didn't want to be within two thousand miles of anybody who does. Now did you follow all that? When does pesky Rasta heads nobody liked them, and you know why because "We're different. People are always afraid of what's different". Then Grul came around warning them about Number Twelve turn. Which was "Scary, ja?". But nevertheless Junior and Yul saw a a bad-ass mother who don't take no crap off of nobody and got there revenge in a bar room brawl. When they crashed though and carried the sled through the finish line, guess who was the first person there slow clapping for them? Grul, that's who? Was he happy about it, nope, sad? Nope, angry? Maybe a little, but neutral, you bet.
Yup, I kinda like that movie.
After a grueling day of the high ropes course I ran into a guy just waiting for his next acitivity, Bungy jumping. Mine, napping. As I walked away about to nap the crap out of the late afternoon I heard him say "you only live once." 4 hours later I'm standing 450 feet off the ground in a Gondola with him and 10 other US soldiers. "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. The ground is hurtling at me really fast, did I set this weeks fantasy line up? I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, wait I feel a tug, I'm attached to a rope! I'm gonna live!" Except insert 8 seconds of high pitched girly screams instead. Invigorating, euphoric and sick was the best way to describe it.
The next day we all went Canyoning, which is essentially being dropped inside a 300 foot water canyon for an afternoon. The only way out, sliding down waterfalls, jumping into random pits of water 30 feet off the ground, and rappeling down rocks. It was sick! beyond crazy and one of the most extreme things I've ever done in my life. What nutty Swisser originally decided that jumping off cliffs into water with unknown dephs and sliding down rocks from earth-made water slides was smart? Regardless, my hats off to you sir, that was epic. Also a special shout out to Dionne and Laura who were the only 2 girls on the trip of 22 that did not want any part of the afternoon but powered through like true soldiers. I owe you Laura, and I know it. Burger King on me baby.
Weird food of the week: 3 Species Burger. Bun, lettuce, tomato, onion, ketchup, burger, fried chicken, 4 strips of Bacon, bun. Intense.
Speaking of those 10 soldiers, let's play a little game called "Can I name all my new friends?"
Aaron, Steve, Leon Lee, Ernie, Jameson, Michael, Ian aka young Stephen Baldwin, Dewey, Anthony, and umm uhhh Boy I don't know. Crap, so close.
9 really awesome and jacked up dudes....and Dewey. All of them with perfect chins, and shredded abs....and Dewey. Nothing makes you feel really fat more than being surrounded by 82 pectorals...and Dewey. I totally bought a scale since then.
I am not gonna lie though, I was intimidated, if they weren't screaming about MEAT they were imitating Ultimate Warrior youtube videos. I get it guys, the warrior gets a rocket, puts fuel in it and fills it with more Warriors. After all my stupid questions were over though I was accepted into their brotherhood. What stupid questions you ask? Have you killed anybody? Do you play Modern Warfare? Have you seen Transformers? Do you play fantasy football? - No (but some assists), Yes, Yes, No.
Our last night while pregaming before the club we were screaming about the usual past quiet hours when one of the hostel attendants came in and instead of reprimanding us about being loud, took one look around the shirtless room and said "Not even close" and walked out. You guys truly made my last weekend unforgettable. Just awesome dudes fighting for our country, inhaling protein and slaying dragons aka fat chicks.
Oh and one more thing, icing the crap out of each other. Talk about bros icing bros, they took it to another level. All ice, all the time. For example: right before we bungy jumped Dewey put 8 ices on the table. I can only imagine what the hostel cleaners thought when they saw 6 dudes sharing a room but a garbage can filled to the brim with nothing but smirnoff Ice.
Here's a list of the more creative icings of the weekend:
The trap - giving an ice to someone knowing that they are holding one, just to suprise them with another ice back because the whole time you were holding two.
The shower - sliding a ice right into the suds.
The check in - being presented with an ice when getting your room key by the hostel attendant.
The pillow - hiding an ice in your pillow.
The goat - doing "the goat" but with a smirnoff there instead.
The sandwich - two pieces of bread, a slice of cheese, and an ice. (And my go to move of the weekend)
The message from god - an ice tied to a string and dangled from above.
The mine field - ices strategically planted all over the room.
After all the time this past weekend spent on one knee though, At this point, Just like the Swiss, I'm kinda neutral to the taste.
To my fans, thanks again for reading and I hope you continue to follow when I continue blogging during the school year.
It was an awesome trip and as amazing as it was, in the immortal words of Captain Anthony "I want to go home."
Auf Wiederluege
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The Random Tangent Blog
In Milan, but its raining, its pouring and the city is boring (see what I did there) Rain or Shine this city just doesn't do it for me, although the calzones are delicious. The stores are too expensive, so expensive in fact that I dont think that I am even allowed in many of them. It's like a running Sex and City montage on every street, even H+M looks classy although it is tough to see squeezed in between a Prada and Dolce store and below a Chanel. Regardless, only one day to sky diving in Interlocken, Switzerland and the rest of the extreme sports that they brag about. Since Milan is so boring I've taken up a new sport, extreme wine drinking.
Just learned that Gus Johnson is going to the be the voice of Madden 2011, and quite frankly I couldnt be more excited, I may even buy two copies. "Hi everybody I'm Gus Johnson and Welcome to Madden 2011, Sanchez drops back, Fires from the parking lot!!!Oh my goodness!!! The catch is PURE!!!! and BAM!!! he's down!!! 3 yard Completion!!!! 2nd down!!!"
European music really is something else. They beat the hell out of the songs worse than the states do, and they really dont play any rap (other than BOB) so the choices are very limited. Along with this, and brace yourself for this one, but MTV still plays music videos and not reality tv. This is a nice break except for the fact that they only choose to play these ten summer songs on repeat.
Here is the Top 5 songs played in Europe in order of the most heard:
5)Without you - Samanta Cole
4) Replay - Iyaz ( How ironic!!!)
3) California girls - Katy Perry (actually sorta of ironic)
2) Waving the flag - Knann
1) Africa - Shakira
My top 5 favorite songs heard in Europe:
5) OMG - Usher (yeah I snuck that one in there, not bc its played here but because its that good)
4) Redone - Mika
3)Fire with Fire - Scissor Sisters
2) Like it - Enrique
1) Waving the Flag - Knaan
Besides the music though, European life is a totally differnt animal. The beggers are more respectful, the street perfiormers don't ask for money but rather do it for the love of street theater, and when I leave a restaurant I don't feel bloated and filled up not by my meal but by the bread. Europe, Italy especially, moves at a much slower pace in general, and I know that part of this is because I am used to the hustle and bustle of NYC but its more because of the way that Europeans tend to take it all in. INstead of rushing to their next endeavor, they stop for a coffee or a glass of wine. Bus Schedules exist, but when the bus drivers decide to stop hanging with their friends is when the bus actually leaves. 30 people could be on the bus waiting, but if they havent finished their coffee dont bother getting on the bus. It takes a while to adjust but once you do its actually really enjoyable. Stopping in a random wine bar/ store for a ero glass of wine, casual chatter with the owner, slowly downing it and going on with your usual routine is a way of life. It's been a real pleasure adoptiung their lifestyle.
with that said however, there are things I do miss. Bagels for instance, and as Jew this is a big loss. I miss watching my crappy fantasy team strike out every at-bat. Without boring you with a fantasy baseball story that you have no interest in I will say this, Jose Bautista connect on a cosmic level. When he is at bat I know he is thinking about me, kinda the way pigeons think about me when they see me barrel toward them. If my foot is the bat and the pigeon is the ball Jose and I have crushed this season. If the HUFF RYDAZ somehow deyfing expectationsand bring home a crown JB will be getting a glitter filled poster a la Brandon LLoyd circa 2005 sent to his address. I do miss real life at times though, and a piece of me wants to start having days dont feel like a Saturday, but then realize that I teach 7th graders and they are in the midst of puberty. Thankfully they will be spending the year making Jose Bautista and Matt Capps murals and collages.
One of my favorite things about travelling is meeting other travelers. Besides the meeting of new people and new friends, but also listening to the stories. For instance, the guy we met last year who is consequently renting our apartment for the month (How about turning off the AC once in a while, do you think I am made out of money???) told us about this great trip he did in Croatia. This year we took his suggestions, and you know what, it was amazing. We also met some Scots in Budapest a year ago, and this year randomly ran into them in Dubrovnick, and now have a girl that we met in Costa Rica crash on our couch for a week in October. OVerall, being with our backpackers is a real out of body experience as everyone is actrying to accomplish the ssame thing, see the world without breaking the bank. The characters that you meet and adventures tha you go on can't be accuratly explained in words.
Writing this blog has been a real cathartic experience for me, and I really believe that I have found my niche with this writing style. With one blog left or so, I want to thank everyone who has tuned in throughout and hope that you continue to read and enjoy when Foxx tackles the city starting in Septemeber.
One last thing: Take the money thats being offered, Darrel Revis. As Jet fans the chance to win a superbowl comes around once every ten years, maybe once every 20, and your a huge part of this dream. We will give you tons of money, maybe not as much as you want, but still barrels and barrels of it. Stop being so greedy, ruining my Hard Knocks and training camp reports and be the shutdown corner that I feel in love with.
Here is some pictures that blogger will actually allow me to upload without restarting my entire blog.
My super cute Dutch cousins:
The beautiful Croatian coast:
Cliff Jumping in Croatia:
The Canal parade two days after the final:
Homo chicken at its finest.
A cool picture from the Zoo:
The Castle in Dubrovnick:
Our Sail-Croatia boat:
Just learned that Gus Johnson is going to the be the voice of Madden 2011, and quite frankly I couldnt be more excited, I may even buy two copies. "Hi everybody I'm Gus Johnson and Welcome to Madden 2011, Sanchez drops back, Fires from the parking lot!!!Oh my goodness!!! The catch is PURE!!!! and BAM!!! he's down!!! 3 yard Completion!!!! 2nd down!!!"
European music really is something else. They beat the hell out of the songs worse than the states do, and they really dont play any rap (other than BOB) so the choices are very limited. Along with this, and brace yourself for this one, but MTV still plays music videos and not reality tv. This is a nice break except for the fact that they only choose to play these ten summer songs on repeat.
Here is the Top 5 songs played in Europe in order of the most heard:
5)Without you - Samanta Cole
4) Replay - Iyaz ( How ironic!!!)
3) California girls - Katy Perry (actually sorta of ironic)
2) Waving the flag - Knann
1) Africa - Shakira
My top 5 favorite songs heard in Europe:
5) OMG - Usher (yeah I snuck that one in there, not bc its played here but because its that good)
4) Redone - Mika
3)Fire with Fire - Scissor Sisters
2) Like it - Enrique
1) Waving the Flag - Knaan
Besides the music though, European life is a totally differnt animal. The beggers are more respectful, the street perfiormers don't ask for money but rather do it for the love of street theater, and when I leave a restaurant I don't feel bloated and filled up not by my meal but by the bread. Europe, Italy especially, moves at a much slower pace in general, and I know that part of this is because I am used to the hustle and bustle of NYC but its more because of the way that Europeans tend to take it all in. INstead of rushing to their next endeavor, they stop for a coffee or a glass of wine. Bus Schedules exist, but when the bus drivers decide to stop hanging with their friends is when the bus actually leaves. 30 people could be on the bus waiting, but if they havent finished their coffee dont bother getting on the bus. It takes a while to adjust but once you do its actually really enjoyable. Stopping in a random wine bar/ store for a ero glass of wine, casual chatter with the owner, slowly downing it and going on with your usual routine is a way of life. It's been a real pleasure adoptiung their lifestyle.
with that said however, there are things I do miss. Bagels for instance, and as Jew this is a big loss. I miss watching my crappy fantasy team strike out every at-bat. Without boring you with a fantasy baseball story that you have no interest in I will say this, Jose Bautista connect on a cosmic level. When he is at bat I know he is thinking about me, kinda the way pigeons think about me when they see me barrel toward them. If my foot is the bat and the pigeon is the ball Jose and I have crushed this season. If the HUFF RYDAZ somehow deyfing expectationsand bring home a crown JB will be getting a glitter filled poster a la Brandon LLoyd circa 2005 sent to his address. I do miss real life at times though, and a piece of me wants to start having days dont feel like a Saturday, but then realize that I teach 7th graders and they are in the midst of puberty. Thankfully they will be spending the year making Jose Bautista and Matt Capps murals and collages.
One of my favorite things about travelling is meeting other travelers. Besides the meeting of new people and new friends, but also listening to the stories. For instance, the guy we met last year who is consequently renting our apartment for the month (How about turning off the AC once in a while, do you think I am made out of money???) told us about this great trip he did in Croatia. This year we took his suggestions, and you know what, it was amazing. We also met some Scots in Budapest a year ago, and this year randomly ran into them in Dubrovnick, and now have a girl that we met in Costa Rica crash on our couch for a week in October. OVerall, being with our backpackers is a real out of body experience as everyone is actrying to accomplish the ssame thing, see the world without breaking the bank. The characters that you meet and adventures tha you go on can't be accuratly explained in words.
Writing this blog has been a real cathartic experience for me, and I really believe that I have found my niche with this writing style. With one blog left or so, I want to thank everyone who has tuned in throughout and hope that you continue to read and enjoy when Foxx tackles the city starting in Septemeber.
One last thing: Take the money thats being offered, Darrel Revis. As Jet fans the chance to win a superbowl comes around once every ten years, maybe once every 20, and your a huge part of this dream. We will give you tons of money, maybe not as much as you want, but still barrels and barrels of it. Stop being so greedy, ruining my Hard Knocks and training camp reports and be the shutdown corner that I feel in love with.
Here is some pictures that blogger will actually allow me to upload without restarting my entire blog.
My super cute Dutch cousins:
The beautiful Croatian coast:
Cliff Jumping in Croatia:
The Canal parade two days after the final:
Homo chicken at its finest.
A cool picture from the Zoo:
The Castle in Dubrovnick:
Our Sail-Croatia boat:
Sunday, August 8, 2010
V is for Venicetta
Malo mori
"Better to die than to be without wine"
Not that Italians have any problem with supply and demand of it. It is everywhere, it is cheap, and it is amazing. Red, white, grappa, or prosecco it doesn't matter, I've lived on a healthy diet of distilled grapes. It's smooth out of a bottle or a nice glass in a quaint restaurant, but nothing says class like a squirt bottle of red wine. It's cheaper, easier and gets you tipsy by 3:30.
Most accessible items in Italy at any time of day or night:
1) Fresh water
2) Wine
3) Pizza
4) Gelatto
5) Pigeons (sigh)
Venice haiku:
Lovers ride canals
On romantic boat journeys
but we watch ashore
Canal haiku:
Canal tours aren't
For backpackers on budget
Sixty euros you wish!
Double rainbow is by far my favorite youtube clip of the summer, actually double rainbow song is, but you can't understand the song without watching the video first. It is incredibly stupid, but has over 3.5 million views, see I'm not the only one. The situation interviewed by Wolf Blitzer is my second favorite, but its about a year old. Make sure that you dumb yourself down thoroughly with by indulging yourself heavily in recreational narcotics before you watch them....not that I condone that.
I've seen about 1000 sculptures this summer in various Italian scenery and museums. Most of them are nude as well. Now in every single one of these sculptures, woman have perfectly shaped and supple breasts. None of them are droopy or misshapen, nor do they seem to have a single imperfection in them...not that I'm complaining. The men on the other hand however are not portrayed nearly as favorable. Let's just say that their testicles are very very descended from their bodies, and their penises are, well, how do I say this, shriveled. For men that are sculpted because they were perceived as gods, weren't exactly given godly proportions below the belt. Not that I'm complaining, my ummm, ego has never felt bigger.
Italian tv is beyond brutal, not only do they do dub every single possible american show that they put on, but they also use the worst accents to portray these Americans. Every time I put it on I find a movie that is tolerable, only to have it ruined by its Italian translation. But there is one show that has captured my attention. "Vedelo" appears every evening on Italian TV, somehow always during the 10 minutes that I actually stop to give it a chance. The premise is simple, yet quite astonishing, 6 woman over 65 compete to win a title of the most talented senior citizen, yes, you heard all of that correctly. Think of it as reverse American Idol, but instead of Seacrest they have a middle aged Pier Morgan look alike. There is no snarky judge, pill hungry pop star, or a "dog" for that matter, instead at the end the winner is randomly choosen by the contestant that shows a picture of there family. Its completely ridiculous, but here is the best part. The woman get the choice of 3 different ways to show there talent, sing, dance, or work the stripper pole. Yes, you have still read everything correctly. Once they have finished they get another 30 seconds to show off their moves on the dance floor...even if dancing was already there talent. That's the entire show, there is a hot chick who opens the show with the same dance routine as the day before, and a red muppet type character who speaks as if he has smoked cigarettes for the past 40 years. Every show is completely the same, and non-sensical. Here is the best part, it is, and has been, the highest rated show in Italy for the past year. Considering everything else on Italian TV I can consider why, Its consequently been my favorite show on TV the past 3 weeks.
Leaning tower of Pisa, not that cool. Then again I think I saw it around 3:45, so it may not have been the only thing tipping over at the time.
Venice also happens to be the city of pigeons, and if you read my other blogs you know how I feel about pigeons. Its basically become an obsession, I think about them, I talk about them, I take pictures of them and most importantly I kick the living snot out of them. So I am in St. Marks square (incredible by the way) when I see a pigeon haphazardly walking in front of me. I line it up and do my best Ray Finkel impression, the pigeon goes wide left, but his feathers go straight through on through my imaginary goal post. I did my inner Roy Hobbs as the feathers rained down my shoulders and let my hands raise in victory until I turn around and see Laura and half of Italy staring at me in horror. "I can't do this anymore" is all she said.
Ciao.
"Better to die than to be without wine"
Not that Italians have any problem with supply and demand of it. It is everywhere, it is cheap, and it is amazing. Red, white, grappa, or prosecco it doesn't matter, I've lived on a healthy diet of distilled grapes. It's smooth out of a bottle or a nice glass in a quaint restaurant, but nothing says class like a squirt bottle of red wine. It's cheaper, easier and gets you tipsy by 3:30.
Most accessible items in Italy at any time of day or night:
1) Fresh water
2) Wine
3) Pizza
4) Gelatto
5) Pigeons (sigh)
Venice haiku:
Lovers ride canals
On romantic boat journeys
but we watch ashore
Canal haiku:
Canal tours aren't
For backpackers on budget
Sixty euros you wish!
Double rainbow is by far my favorite youtube clip of the summer, actually double rainbow song is, but you can't understand the song without watching the video first. It is incredibly stupid, but has over 3.5 million views, see I'm not the only one. The situation interviewed by Wolf Blitzer is my second favorite, but its about a year old. Make sure that you dumb yourself down thoroughly with by indulging yourself heavily in recreational narcotics before you watch them....not that I condone that.
I've seen about 1000 sculptures this summer in various Italian scenery and museums. Most of them are nude as well. Now in every single one of these sculptures, woman have perfectly shaped and supple breasts. None of them are droopy or misshapen, nor do they seem to have a single imperfection in them...not that I'm complaining. The men on the other hand however are not portrayed nearly as favorable. Let's just say that their testicles are very very descended from their bodies, and their penises are, well, how do I say this, shriveled. For men that are sculpted because they were perceived as gods, weren't exactly given godly proportions below the belt. Not that I'm complaining, my ummm, ego has never felt bigger.
Italian tv is beyond brutal, not only do they do dub every single possible american show that they put on, but they also use the worst accents to portray these Americans. Every time I put it on I find a movie that is tolerable, only to have it ruined by its Italian translation. But there is one show that has captured my attention. "Vedelo" appears every evening on Italian TV, somehow always during the 10 minutes that I actually stop to give it a chance. The premise is simple, yet quite astonishing, 6 woman over 65 compete to win a title of the most talented senior citizen, yes, you heard all of that correctly. Think of it as reverse American Idol, but instead of Seacrest they have a middle aged Pier Morgan look alike. There is no snarky judge, pill hungry pop star, or a "dog" for that matter, instead at the end the winner is randomly choosen by the contestant that shows a picture of there family. Its completely ridiculous, but here is the best part. The woman get the choice of 3 different ways to show there talent, sing, dance, or work the stripper pole. Yes, you have still read everything correctly. Once they have finished they get another 30 seconds to show off their moves on the dance floor...even if dancing was already there talent. That's the entire show, there is a hot chick who opens the show with the same dance routine as the day before, and a red muppet type character who speaks as if he has smoked cigarettes for the past 40 years. Every show is completely the same, and non-sensical. Here is the best part, it is, and has been, the highest rated show in Italy for the past year. Considering everything else on Italian TV I can consider why, Its consequently been my favorite show on TV the past 3 weeks.
Leaning tower of Pisa, not that cool. Then again I think I saw it around 3:45, so it may not have been the only thing tipping over at the time.
Venice also happens to be the city of pigeons, and if you read my other blogs you know how I feel about pigeons. Its basically become an obsession, I think about them, I talk about them, I take pictures of them and most importantly I kick the living snot out of them. So I am in St. Marks square (incredible by the way) when I see a pigeon haphazardly walking in front of me. I line it up and do my best Ray Finkel impression, the pigeon goes wide left, but his feathers go straight through on through my imaginary goal post. I did my inner Roy Hobbs as the feathers rained down my shoulders and let my hands raise in victory until I turn around and see Laura and half of Italy staring at me in horror. "I can't do this anymore" is all she said.
Ciao.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Friends romans countryman lend me your blog!
Rome, a place for lovers, gladiators, ruins, and the occasional awkward dinner. Waiting 45 minutes for the best pizza in Italy is one thing, pretending not to look forward for the next 45 is an entirely different entity in itself. If you have ever been to a busy restaurant, or a New York restaurant for that matter, you know that you are packed on top of each other like mattresses on a pea. Now, although you are basically in eavesdropping distance of anyone in the restaurant it is assumed that you and your dinner partner will face each other...then talk about what everyone else is. Not the case in Italy however; the pizza was out of this world, the awkwardness was too. As we finally had our number called we were about to sit down at a table that currently looked like this - .I. - naturally we figured we would take the other 2 spots and although we would be very close to our new friends, we would be generally be able to ignore there presence. However, when they saw that they would be sharing a 4 person table with...wait for it because its going to blow your mind....4 people! They decided to move next to each other in a formation looking like this - :I - which meant that not only did Laura and I have to sit next to each other (already a big no-no in my dating book) but we would have to spend the entire meal staring across the table not at each other, but at these two neophytes who seemed old enough to have been around since the very first pizza. Well, first off they didn't speak English, so naturally I did all I could to make fun of them to there face. Turns out its not as funny as in the movies, they kinda just sit there and stare. So here we are :I:, laura and I on the left side trying to make as much conversation as possible in order to make the already awkward situation seem even more so for them bc it looked like we were having such a good time...we weren't. Then the pizza came, which was amazing, however their eating habits were not. Multiple times I had to stare down at my own plate in order to avoid seeing either one of them slurp cheese into there mouths with long strings of mozz still stringing from there plates. Not to mention that the old man sitting across from me took and drank my beer by accident mistaking it for his. Needless to say it was my last sip of alcohol that meal. I'm a slow eater in general, but I am pretty sure the woman had finished hers before I had finished cutting mine. I can't know for sure, but I think they realized there mistake, at least their silence did. It was a Roman tragedy fit for the stage, 15 years from now I won't remember the pizza, but ill never forget the meal. Moral of the story kids: Never sit next to your date at dinner, not even at the counter.
Here is a picture that I fake took of my pizza but really of them.
Why do I lose all the things I love? First my fan, then the pillow, now my favorite water bottle. I'm gonna tether laura to me otherwise I may never see her again. Overall though, its been a pretty devastating summer for my possessions.
My 10 Levels of devastation:
10 -loss of a family member
9 - a close friend
8 - an important pet
7 - your first love (or any other subsequent love that broke your heart)
6 - a choke job in the playoffs of your favorite team
5 - a crushing loss in a fantasy playoff
4 - a favorite article of clothing lost or ruined
3 - missing a train or bus by seconds
2 - a crushing regular season fantasy loss
1 - losing your favorite pen
Some devasting events from this summer:
Hi C pillow - 7
Gatorade water bottle - 5
Travel fan - 3
Doug Brien 2005 playoffs - 6.5 (not the summer, but that one really hurt)
Holland's world cup finale - 6
Lebron to heat - 3*
Oil spill - 3.5 (I'm a sucker for the brackish waters)
Dennis Hoppers death - 4
Eva Mendez S.EX tape - 10
*I saw my first Lebron heat jersey today. It was 5 sizes to big on an Italian male who probably doesn't watch the NBA. I'm nervous that I'm classroom is gonna be filled with Miami Cheats jerseys. Also Chris Bosh Raptors Jersey is still going for market price in athletic stores here, so really do they actually know what's going on in the NBA? I also mention LBJ later on in this post, for someone who has completely flip flopped on his LBJ approval rating, he gets mentioned in almost every post (sigh).
I doubt any of you were actually going to see "Step Up 3-D" but if this movie review doesn't convince you otherwise I don't know what will. Even if you have no interest, such as I, the review itself is absolutely hilarious and a worthy read.
Pete Zahut Says Part 3D Is 'the worst fucking movie ever made!
http:/www.aintitcool.com node/46003
So I sweat, like a lot, and Europe is hot, like very. I'm ok with this, but nonetheless I sweat like a fat guy chasing a cupcake up a hill in 90 degree heat. My sweating however is very concentrated though, my arm pits remain mostly dry as does my neck and chest, but I do have a specific area where I produce what I am calling "The sweat belt". It starts right below my rib cage on both sides and slowly inches its way straight across my belly right above the button. On a good day you can spot the belt clearly in any picture I take. It doesn't help that I usually rest most of my cold drinks on the belt which makes it stick around that much longer. Luckily my sweating is usually very controlled and that's where it stops, occasionally creeping to the back though on extreme days. The SB however is something to be proud now that I noticed other sweaters around me.
Here is a comprehensive list of people sweat through their shirts just like I do.
The artichoke - a nice heart shaped sweat mark right in the middle of the lungs.
The neck sweat - a ring around the neck of both sides of the t shirt, the true mark of a sweater.
The pit stain - self explanatory
The back drip - more gross than it seems because not only does it cover the entire back, but it also has partial neck sweat potential.
Box O sweat - where the sweater fills their boxers with straight perspiration. The nastiest of all sweat related activities bc its unseen yet in the worst area.
Now that you have seen all contestants, tell me, is the belt really the worst thing that could sweat to me?
There's nothing quite like seeing something out of place. Now as you know I am a sucker for outdoor music, but what I saw yesterday doesn't exactly qualify for neither music nor normal. So let's take a page out of Daniel Tosh's playbook and break this picture down, minute detail by minute detail in this weeks blog breakdown. (Sorry no video)
As you can clearly see, she is playing to an audience of about 8 people, and even they seem bored. Nobody is even attempting to stand, and if it wasn't for the comfy plastic seats she may have had nobody. I think the entire front row may be checking their cell phones.
The lead singer is wearing some sort of plaid pajama type uniform that hasn't been popular since 199-never. Not even retro snowboarders try and pull off that look. The last time I saw someone rock an outfit like that they were being used as a rug.
Naturally she is singing Sweet home Alabama, yet she is neither from Alabama nor has any connection to why it would be sweet to her. Between her broken English and crocs I am failing to see the connection here. Even the locals don't seem impressed as I can hear them say (translated by laura) "she must be singing for tourists bc otherwise she would be singing italian songs." Which by the way she interludes her linguistic skills in between songs by acknowledging that the only people who understand the song have no idea what she is saying. I can't understand what she is saying during or after her songs. That's ok, because Meat Loaf is a perfect choice for her to follow up with, followed by Eric Clapton, she is destroying every greatest hits cd of classic rock I listened to in high school.
The classically trained string quartet doesn't seem to be very amused either, but would you be? You spend your entire life in order to watch someone else butcher songs that you didn't want to play in the first place. I think I see the keyboardist putting on a confederate flag bandana on his head for effect. "Should we start with Carmen or the Ninth symphony?" "How about 'Help' from the beatles?" The entire set was a cry for help, except nobody was listening.
Finally, her voice is being overpowered by the turbine to the left of her in the water. If they really wanted to drown her out they should have put the mike there. In fact, the music would probably be more soothing and audible.
But Italian Catherine Keener you gave me something to blog about, so for that I thank you.
On our way home the other night we ran right into a Roman student protest. When asking a cop what they were doing his response was "they're just students sitting there." Nope they are definitely protesting something. Since I love chanting and the prospect of both free food and revolutions I joined right in. Now, I speak no Italian, and only understand words that describe food, but a free sandwich is a free sandwich. Even after a 120 second google search I still have no idea what 200 degrees (their protest name) was protesting, regardless my chants went something like this.
"I'll chant anything! I'll chant anything! Give me a sandwich! Give me a sandwich! Do you have anything with ham? Do you have anything with ham?"
I took my salami sandwich, didn't see any noticible impacts being made, and did what I never got a chance to do in college but never got a chance to do: fight for something I really never believed in the first place in hopes that a riot would ensue.
The Coliseum was beyond amazing. Besides the fact that it has survived an earthquake and daily tours, it is one of the most amazing wonders of the world left standing. I still can't believe that I was standing in the same place that Jumper was filmed. I mean Hayden Fucking Christianson. Wow, dreams do come true. Fun fact: Did you know that gladiators had to win 5 battles in order to be given freedom, but rarely survived all 5. I think Russell Crowe would actually have survived all 5 but instead of a shield he would have to be given a phone.
Sistine chapel was also one of those awe inspiring wonders but I have nothing interesting to blog about it so ill just say it was amazing. Although I'm not gonna lie, when I saw the famous god/man painting all I could think about was George Michael, Buster and George Senior from Arrested Development. TV and movies has stunted my intellectual growth beyond repair.
Asians tourists are really funny. That's it, they just are. Next time you see an Asian tourist look for these noticible attributes and try not to chuckle.
•An overpriced hat that was clearly bought on vacation that is trapping 80% of their body heat.
•A sun umbrella. I really don't understand the point of these, but nevertheless they are ubiquitous.
• A rolling camcorder that captures every possible image. That they can film. Little do they realize that no one else, including themselves, want to watch any of this horrible footage.
• Sunglasses that do not fit their face whatsoever and make them immediately look ridiculous and unnatural
If you spot a tourist not doing one of these things please report them to the nearest I love "city name" kiosk.
The longest neck ever seen:
Believe it or not that is not a Roman statue.
There is a law that allows cats to live in Rome without disruption in the place where they were born. If you look carefully, you will see hundreds of wild cats climbing the walls of the Colosseum, the forum and sleeping among the ruins. Now all we need is a law allowing Johan to live among these cats and will be set. Over/under on when I go from normal adult to crazy cat/dog lover (aka Will Lang): age 39. I'd take the under.
So Croatia and Italy is known for having delicious ice cream, actually gelato, and I indulge myself at least once a day. As much as I love it, I do not love the cones, and never finish them. I also hate pigeons, I mean I hate those damn rats with wings. I scold young children when they feed them and generally kick or punch them whenever possible. However when I finish half of my ice cream I always crunch my cone in the hands, do my best Lebron James impression, and yell "FOR THE BIRDS!!!" The ironic part, the birds that I am feeding are most likely pigeons. Merda.
Book count: Johan 7, Laura 15.
Next stop Florence.
Caio. Caio.
Here is a picture that I fake took of my pizza but really of them.
Why do I lose all the things I love? First my fan, then the pillow, now my favorite water bottle. I'm gonna tether laura to me otherwise I may never see her again. Overall though, its been a pretty devastating summer for my possessions.
My 10 Levels of devastation:
10 -loss of a family member
9 - a close friend
8 - an important pet
7 - your first love (or any other subsequent love that broke your heart)
6 - a choke job in the playoffs of your favorite team
5 - a crushing loss in a fantasy playoff
4 - a favorite article of clothing lost or ruined
3 - missing a train or bus by seconds
2 - a crushing regular season fantasy loss
1 - losing your favorite pen
Some devasting events from this summer:
Hi C pillow - 7
Gatorade water bottle - 5
Travel fan - 3
Doug Brien 2005 playoffs - 6.5 (not the summer, but that one really hurt)
Holland's world cup finale - 6
Lebron to heat - 3*
Oil spill - 3.5 (I'm a sucker for the brackish waters)
Dennis Hoppers death - 4
Eva Mendez S.EX tape - 10
*I saw my first Lebron heat jersey today. It was 5 sizes to big on an Italian male who probably doesn't watch the NBA. I'm nervous that I'm classroom is gonna be filled with Miami Cheats jerseys. Also Chris Bosh Raptors Jersey is still going for market price in athletic stores here, so really do they actually know what's going on in the NBA? I also mention LBJ later on in this post, for someone who has completely flip flopped on his LBJ approval rating, he gets mentioned in almost every post (sigh).
I doubt any of you were actually going to see "Step Up 3-D" but if this movie review doesn't convince you otherwise I don't know what will. Even if you have no interest, such as I, the review itself is absolutely hilarious and a worthy read.
Pete Zahut Says Part 3D Is 'the worst fucking movie ever made!
http:/www.aintitcool.com node/46003
So I sweat, like a lot, and Europe is hot, like very. I'm ok with this, but nonetheless I sweat like a fat guy chasing a cupcake up a hill in 90 degree heat. My sweating however is very concentrated though, my arm pits remain mostly dry as does my neck and chest, but I do have a specific area where I produce what I am calling "The sweat belt". It starts right below my rib cage on both sides and slowly inches its way straight across my belly right above the button. On a good day you can spot the belt clearly in any picture I take. It doesn't help that I usually rest most of my cold drinks on the belt which makes it stick around that much longer. Luckily my sweating is usually very controlled and that's where it stops, occasionally creeping to the back though on extreme days. The SB however is something to be proud now that I noticed other sweaters around me.
Here is a comprehensive list of people sweat through their shirts just like I do.
The artichoke - a nice heart shaped sweat mark right in the middle of the lungs.
The neck sweat - a ring around the neck of both sides of the t shirt, the true mark of a sweater.
The pit stain - self explanatory
The back drip - more gross than it seems because not only does it cover the entire back, but it also has partial neck sweat potential.
Box O sweat - where the sweater fills their boxers with straight perspiration. The nastiest of all sweat related activities bc its unseen yet in the worst area.
Now that you have seen all contestants, tell me, is the belt really the worst thing that could sweat to me?
There's nothing quite like seeing something out of place. Now as you know I am a sucker for outdoor music, but what I saw yesterday doesn't exactly qualify for neither music nor normal. So let's take a page out of Daniel Tosh's playbook and break this picture down, minute detail by minute detail in this weeks blog breakdown. (Sorry no video)
As you can clearly see, she is playing to an audience of about 8 people, and even they seem bored. Nobody is even attempting to stand, and if it wasn't for the comfy plastic seats she may have had nobody. I think the entire front row may be checking their cell phones.
The lead singer is wearing some sort of plaid pajama type uniform that hasn't been popular since 199-never. Not even retro snowboarders try and pull off that look. The last time I saw someone rock an outfit like that they were being used as a rug.
Naturally she is singing Sweet home Alabama, yet she is neither from Alabama nor has any connection to why it would be sweet to her. Between her broken English and crocs I am failing to see the connection here. Even the locals don't seem impressed as I can hear them say (translated by laura) "she must be singing for tourists bc otherwise she would be singing italian songs." Which by the way she interludes her linguistic skills in between songs by acknowledging that the only people who understand the song have no idea what she is saying. I can't understand what she is saying during or after her songs. That's ok, because Meat Loaf is a perfect choice for her to follow up with, followed by Eric Clapton, she is destroying every greatest hits cd of classic rock I listened to in high school.
The classically trained string quartet doesn't seem to be very amused either, but would you be? You spend your entire life in order to watch someone else butcher songs that you didn't want to play in the first place. I think I see the keyboardist putting on a confederate flag bandana on his head for effect. "Should we start with Carmen or the Ninth symphony?" "How about 'Help' from the beatles?" The entire set was a cry for help, except nobody was listening.
Finally, her voice is being overpowered by the turbine to the left of her in the water. If they really wanted to drown her out they should have put the mike there. In fact, the music would probably be more soothing and audible.
But Italian Catherine Keener you gave me something to blog about, so for that I thank you.
On our way home the other night we ran right into a Roman student protest. When asking a cop what they were doing his response was "they're just students sitting there." Nope they are definitely protesting something. Since I love chanting and the prospect of both free food and revolutions I joined right in. Now, I speak no Italian, and only understand words that describe food, but a free sandwich is a free sandwich. Even after a 120 second google search I still have no idea what 200 degrees (their protest name) was protesting, regardless my chants went something like this.
"I'll chant anything! I'll chant anything! Give me a sandwich! Give me a sandwich! Do you have anything with ham? Do you have anything with ham?"
I took my salami sandwich, didn't see any noticible impacts being made, and did what I never got a chance to do in college but never got a chance to do: fight for something I really never believed in the first place in hopes that a riot would ensue.
The Coliseum was beyond amazing. Besides the fact that it has survived an earthquake and daily tours, it is one of the most amazing wonders of the world left standing. I still can't believe that I was standing in the same place that Jumper was filmed. I mean Hayden Fucking Christianson. Wow, dreams do come true. Fun fact: Did you know that gladiators had to win 5 battles in order to be given freedom, but rarely survived all 5. I think Russell Crowe would actually have survived all 5 but instead of a shield he would have to be given a phone.
Sistine chapel was also one of those awe inspiring wonders but I have nothing interesting to blog about it so ill just say it was amazing. Although I'm not gonna lie, when I saw the famous god/man painting all I could think about was George Michael, Buster and George Senior from Arrested Development. TV and movies has stunted my intellectual growth beyond repair.
Asians tourists are really funny. That's it, they just are. Next time you see an Asian tourist look for these noticible attributes and try not to chuckle.
•An overpriced hat that was clearly bought on vacation that is trapping 80% of their body heat.
•A sun umbrella. I really don't understand the point of these, but nevertheless they are ubiquitous.
• A rolling camcorder that captures every possible image. That they can film. Little do they realize that no one else, including themselves, want to watch any of this horrible footage.
• Sunglasses that do not fit their face whatsoever and make them immediately look ridiculous and unnatural
If you spot a tourist not doing one of these things please report them to the nearest I love "city name" kiosk.
The longest neck ever seen:
Believe it or not that is not a Roman statue.
There is a law that allows cats to live in Rome without disruption in the place where they were born. If you look carefully, you will see hundreds of wild cats climbing the walls of the Colosseum, the forum and sleeping among the ruins. Now all we need is a law allowing Johan to live among these cats and will be set. Over/under on when I go from normal adult to crazy cat/dog lover (aka Will Lang): age 39. I'd take the under.
So Croatia and Italy is known for having delicious ice cream, actually gelato, and I indulge myself at least once a day. As much as I love it, I do not love the cones, and never finish them. I also hate pigeons, I mean I hate those damn rats with wings. I scold young children when they feed them and generally kick or punch them whenever possible. However when I finish half of my ice cream I always crunch my cone in the hands, do my best Lebron James impression, and yell "FOR THE BIRDS!!!" The ironic part, the birds that I am feeding are most likely pigeons. Merda.
Book count: Johan 7, Laura 15.
Next stop Florence.
Caio. Caio.
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