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This part of the blog was written during a riveting class that I am currently taking:
Is the guy behind me sleeping? He must be, only a bear could possibly make a noise like that. Ok, I’m gonna turn around, No! No freaking way! He is awake! And subsequently now staring at me. Which makes sense considering that my face is a mix of shock, surprise, awe and even a bit of jealousy; do I say something? Do I move my seat? Do I ask him to be my new ring tone? It sounds like he has already begun his winter hibernation. I keep turning around, expecting to see him out cold sleeping in a pool of his own drool, yet he is more focused than I am. It sounds like he drank 6 beers, took a Tylenol pm and chased it with two shots of Nyquil, dude aint getting up until Spring… or he is just taking incredibly fastidious notes. In fact, his paper is loaded with notes about Leadership Recreation, and mine is full of notes of the different sounds he is making. He is actually drowning out the teacher. Maybe he is one of those open eye sleepers? Is it possible to have sleep apnea when you are awake? Wait he just snorted! That tells me nothing! Ok, and he just breathed in, now out; What has my life come to that I am not only blogging, but am completely fascinated, no hypnotized, by a strangers breathing. You know when you watch stupid movies or TV shows and they phone in someone (usually as cheap comic relief) sleeping by making their snores ten times the decibel level of any normal human being, well that’s fat Malik Yoba behind me.
I’m so mesmerized by him that I’m feel the need to write a haiku.
Snort, snore and sniffle,
Your breathing defies logic;
How are you awake?
And if your reading this:
Not making fun
amazed at your superpower,
how do you do it?
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Ever notice that standard school (regardless of level) clocks are all exactly the same, but yet they have one subtle difference: the second hand. It’s always red, balancing the black hour and minute hands and the courier font numbers that surround its grey outside, but the one difference is the way that second hand moves. Either it will slowly slide around its axis without stopping or it will stop after every second before moving onto the next line. For what it’s worth, time goes much faster when it is constantly moving, and yes I know there is no difference, but really there is. In fact, when you get the clock that has the second hand that pauses I can swear that it moves backwards every once in a while. I am also positive that the more bored you get the longer it sticks on each line. This isn’t a theory; it’s the downright inconvenient truth. Al Gore and I both have one thing in common. We open people’s eyes to complete nonsense. Just wait, your time will come, and you will be begging that you had a standard clock where the second hand never stops.
Also blogged when I was completely enthralled during class.
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So I have a new jacket, and I decided that I am going to give the bum on 86st street subway station my old jacket. Why? Well first off, because he is a bum who is wearing just a t-shirt in the midst of the worst winter in recent NYC history, but really I like the personal attention that you receive that Goodwill just doesn’t offer. And who knows, maybe I will get a new friend out of it, or dare I say it, new roommate? I can see it now, Me, Jacket bum, and my two cats living it up UES style. In my vision it is assumed that Laura has not only moved out, but also broken up with me, or if we really want to play soothsayer, Laura falls in love with the bum, shaves him like Travolta in Michael and does the reverse pretty woman. Ill accept either vision.
Before I give him the jacket though, I have thought of a number of different ways that would be appropriate, and if you know me, then you know that I am not just going to hand him my favorite winter jacket of all time and just walk away. So I compiled a list of possible ways to giving it to him. You the reader will decide what I do.
Ways to coat a bum:
• Give him the coat bc I am such a selfless person and want to see happiness in other (hopefully wont happening)
• Offer him the jacket in exchange for a 2 minutes video where he pimps my blog
• Fill my coat with all sorts of items (chicken, hat, pudding, socks, a gameboy, a charger to a phone I no longer have, Chuck Klosterman’s latest book, beer, etc) and continue handing it to him until I have nothing left. At which point I will take off my coat, then my shirt, and then just walk away.
• Put the jacket on a string, and have him follow it all the way to First Avenue as if he was chasing a dollar. Then hope he stays there.
• Offer him a Klondike Bar or the Coat. If he picks the wrong one he doesn’t get either.
• Tell him that in order to get a free coat he has to drink a 6 pack of 4Loko. Then let the theatrics begin
• Scavenger hunt. If he completes all the tasks he wins the coat.
• Drop the coat off at Goodwill (Def. not happening)
Jake, is getting a new coat whether he likes it or not, and it will change his life…and maybe mine too; Jacket Jake, my new best friend.
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RRandom Tangent of the blog:
-Add ride a blimp to my bucket list, and cross of star in a movie off.
-I make the best buffalo chicken dip in New York State. No, I will not give out my recipe, but residents of Tin Lizzie Sunday night will enjoy it in all its wondrous and delicious bowl inducing delight.
-Remember the Titans gets better every time I watch it. I am so glad I went with it as my five minute movie over Encino Man. Attitude reflects leadership Captain. I am putting the over/under at 5.5 girls crying when Gary gets paralyzed and 2.5 boys.
-Just so we are clear, I called Jersey Shore going to Italy after season one, I told everyone that it was inevitable, and I believe I even posted it on Facebook. I knew the show was going this direction before you did, I win MTV.
-A report that I received recently that may or may not have been about a book quoting a piece of the essay as “Then I stroked her, stroked her long and good, until I could feel the purr inside me.” No idea that it had anything sexually related at all whatsoever in it either. Yup, these are my co-workers.
