V is for Venicetta

Malo mori

"Better to die than to be without wine"

Not that Italians have any problem with supply and demand of it. It is everywhere, it is cheap, and it is amazing. Red, white, grappa, or prosecco it doesn't matter, I've lived on a healthy diet of distilled grapes. It's smooth out of a bottle or a nice glass in a quaint restaurant, but nothing says class like a squirt bottle of red wine. It's cheaper, easier and gets you tipsy by 3:30.


Most accessible items in Italy at any time of day or night:
1) Fresh water
2) Wine
3) Pizza
4) Gelatto
5) Pigeons (sigh)


Venice haiku:
Lovers ride canals
On romantic boat journeys
but we watch ashore

Canal haiku:
Canal tours aren't
For backpackers on budget
Sixty euros you wish!

Double rainbow is by far my favorite youtube clip of the summer, actually double rainbow song is, but you can't understand the song without watching the video first. It is incredibly stupid, but has over 3.5 million views, see I'm not the only one. The situation interviewed by Wolf Blitzer is my second favorite, but its about a year old. Make sure that you dumb yourself down thoroughly with by indulging yourself heavily in recreational narcotics before you watch them....not that I condone that.

I've seen about 1000 sculptures this summer in various Italian scenery and museums. Most of them are nude as well. Now in every single one of these sculptures, woman have perfectly shaped and supple breasts. None of them are droopy or misshapen, nor do they seem to have a single imperfection in them...not that I'm complaining. The men on the other hand however are not portrayed nearly as favorable. Let's just say that their testicles are very very descended from their bodies, and their penises are, well, how do I say this, shriveled. For men that are sculpted because they were perceived as gods, weren't exactly given godly proportions below the belt. Not that I'm complaining, my ummm, ego has never felt bigger.


Italian tv is beyond brutal, not only do they do dub every single possible american show that they put on, but they also use the worst accents to portray these Americans. Every time I put it on I find a movie that is tolerable, only to have it ruined by its Italian translation. But there is one show that has captured my attention. "Vedelo" appears every evening on Italian TV, somehow always during the 10 minutes that I actually stop to give it a chance. The premise is simple, yet quite astonishing, 6 woman over 65 compete to win a title of the most talented senior citizen, yes, you heard all of that correctly. Think of it as reverse American Idol, but instead of Seacrest they have a middle aged Pier Morgan look alike. There is no snarky judge, pill hungry pop star, or a "dog" for that matter, instead at the end the winner is randomly choosen by the contestant that shows a picture of there family. Its completely ridiculous, but here is the best part. The woman get the choice of 3 different ways to show there talent, sing, dance, or work the stripper pole. Yes, you have still read everything correctly. Once they have finished they get another 30 seconds to show off their moves on the dance floor...even if dancing was already there talent. That's the entire show, there is a hot chick who opens the show with the same dance routine as the day before, and a red muppet type character who speaks as if he has smoked cigarettes for the past 40 years. Every show is completely the same, and non-sensical. Here is the best part, it is, and has been, the highest rated show in Italy for the past year. Considering everything else on Italian TV I can consider why, Its consequently been my favorite show on TV the past 3 weeks.

Leaning tower of Pisa, not that cool. Then again I think I saw it around 3:45, so it may not have been the only thing tipping over at the time.


Venice also happens to be the city of pigeons, and if you read my other blogs you know how I feel about pigeons. Its basically become an obsession, I think about them, I talk about them, I take pictures of them and most importantly I kick the living snot out of them. So I am in St. Marks square (incredible by the way) when I see a pigeon haphazardly walking in front of me. I line it up and do my best Ray Finkel impression, the pigeon goes wide left, but his feathers go straight through on through my imaginary goal post. I did my inner Roy Hobbs as the feathers rained down my shoulders and let my hands raise in victory until I turn around and see Laura and half of Italy staring at me in horror. "I can't do this anymore" is all she said.

Ciao.