Mum and Dad this is where you stop reading, this will not be a parent/adult friendly blog.
Still reading?
I know you are....
So I learned a few things about Australians the past 7 days while sailing the Croatian coast. They don't ride kangaroos to work, a dingo ate one and only one baby, and that during the summer they invade Croatia like a ring seeking free agent to Miami (looking at you Juwan Howard). As much as I love the people from down under I am still waiting for an apology for Crocodile Dundee 2, Vegimite and Nicole Kidman.
I am pretty sure that Laura and I are one of only a handful of Americans in this country. and certainly the only New Yorkers, except for that one annoying drunk fat chick who claimed to be a New Yorker only to reveal later that she didn't actually live in NYC but was actually from Paramus, New Jersey. Also, Just because you work in a Bloomingdales does not mean that you work in fashion. Needless to say that girl survived about 3 seconds before being mercifully abused physically, emotionally, and mentally. Thankfully I know some Aussies who have pin point accuracy when pissing on someone. Living in NYC is a privilege and a right, so please take your bridge or tunnel back to that swamp land that you call a home and convince yourself that the Sopranos finale didn't ruin the show for you, find a treadmill and a vaccination. Yup, I was pretty fired up....still am.
Breakdown of people currently in the country of Croatia.
65 % Croats
34 % Aussies
1% Laura, Johan, Fatter Snookie.
I am pretty sure that the last 7 days has taken 4 months off my life span, but I guess that's what happens when you find the cheapest Croatian sailing boat cruise, fit 18 Aussies, 4 South Africans (who I will affectionately be referring to as SAFFERS from this point on) and two Americans who have trouble saying no. My vomit is the color of red bull, my urine the color jager. I guess that's what happens when as a group you decide that you are going to break the bars record for most alcohol served in a week, and give people "The Belt" for drunkest person of the night.
With that said, acquiring the belt was no easy task. Seeing as you are being judged on 3 categories: longevity, overall drunkenness, and public nudity.
Belt winners:
Mark "Woodley" Isherwood
4 nights. With stats like that he just needed a picture to back it up, but even though he was beyond blackout every night he always seemed to make sure he brushed his teeth, almost ironic in a way, the guy below you with soiled drawers has pristine dental hygiene.
Claims to fame: Naked pole dancing, Manginas, putting another contender in a drunken coma, undefeated in homo chicken (yes it will be covered later) tattooed "your boat is shit" on his back, public urination in multiple bars. The ratio of pictures of Woodley to Croatia was 3:1, you don't just get the belt, your earn it.
Steve "choco"
1 night. Claim to fame: penis windmills.
Tess "no nickname"
1 night. Claim to fame: got so drunk that she missed the boat to the next town and had to make a one night stand become a 2 day stand.
Honorable mention:
Andrew "Hammy" Ham - claim to fame: was labeled "clinically dead" 3 different times, but still refused treatment of any kind.
By this point you can probably figure out 2 things, first we shattered the bar record, and second none of the other boats liked us very much. Definitely didn't help that we would roll into port chanting "your boat's shit!" You know something is wrong with your boat when your playing thumper at 330 in the afternoon and people are taking pictures not of the Croatian coast but of your boat playing drinking games.
Dave, I love you man, but you my friend, got Mapled!
(We all knew an inside joke was coming, brace yourself for one more)
The great Hambino steps up to the plate, and knocks it out of the park.
There was a lot of craziness that happened on the trip that didn't involve drinking though. We had to take hydration and food breaks, which mainly consisted of ingesting pure salt from our ships cook and pineapple vodkas with ice in it.
Quick recap of our locations:
Saturday - Hvar - arrived just in time to go straight to a bar named Carpe Diem where dance moves such as The Surfer, The Squirrel, and my personal favorite, The Chop. For the life of me I still can't figure out why The Chop hasn't caught on, do people not like it when you karate chop them repeatedly in the neck?
Sunday - began with jaeger bombs for breakfast, into an afternoon of drinking games ranging from 3 different countries. The Saffers brought bekock, The Aussies introduced Hobarn, and kings and thumper from the Americans. Don't worry, Ill bring em back home. Soon after the dildo came out and all the other boats realized who we really were. The boat hosted an open bar on the into a beach bar where Woodley started the trend of nudity and homo chicken.
What is homo-chicken you ask?
Homo chicken is game that the. Some of the Aussies play that essentially tests your ability to prove how heterosexual you are by being as homosexual as possible. The first person to flinch or turn away is the loser. Although the game started slowly, it turned into all out face licking, dick grabbing and eventually a rusty fish hook. That's when it really got out of control. I can't say that I have played myself, but I see a lot of it in Craig's future.
Monday - Dubrovnick - more waking to jaegerbombs into a subsequent group yack. That's where I learned about tackyacking, which will be covered later on.
Tuesday - Mljet - a very brief introduction to water polo which is apparently a major sport here, and I say brief because after 20 minutes of playing we were wiped. We also got slaughtered by some locals which made it even easier to quit. Hayden tried to take belt from Woodley unsuccessfully, By 1030 he was sleeping on the stairs in a pool of his own vomit.
Wednesday - Korcula - passing of the belt to Tess. Went to an awesome Beach bar with a live band singing American songs. Butcher doesn't come close to explaining how terrible they were, but when beers are 2.50 you kinda just go with it. This was followed by a street bar that seemed to have some type of weird porn playing on a projector, which shouldn't come as a surprise considering the two stripper poles below it.
Thursday - Markaska - cliff diving, or should I say cliff dive. After one jump I was too scared to go again. Then we went to a bar that was in a cave, very very cool stuff. It was located amongst sharp rocks and was Adriatic sea accessible. I assume it would have lasted one night in America before some joker killed himself, shockingly that joker wasn't me.
Friday - Split - spent the day white water rafting which really should have been called lazy river gliding but still a good time. Then one last hurrah at numerous clubs and an after hours spot where we ran into and subsequently partied with some Scots that we met last year in budapest. Walt Disney was right, it is a small world after all.
Some stats from the week:
# of time I was been peed on: 1
# of dicks that peed on me: 2 - yup not your finest moment fellas
How many times people pissed on themselves: 8
Belt winners: 3
# of jaegerbombs consumed on tuesday morn: too many to count.
Kegs tapped: 5
Numbers of doctors on board: 2
# of minor surgeries that had to be performed: 2
# of i pods lost/stolen: 3
Number of manginas: 30.
Number of people involved in public nudity: 12
# of people who didn't make it back to the boat on time (7 am curfew):1
Number of times we listened to either the same Akon cd or kings of Leon cd: once a day.
Number of aqua bogs: 1
Amount of people that pissed in the ocean: 20 out of 22
Words I learned this week that I will begin trying to incorporate in America:
Plaster - band aid
Ranger - red head
Tackyack - tactical vomiting
Rooting - fucking
Bogens - redneck
Mate/bloke - friend
Homo chicken - "I will suck your dick to win this game" - guess who
Pissed - drunk
Bong - average
Skull - chug
Wankered - a douche
Thongs - sandals - yup try getting away with that in America
Aqua bog - taking a shit in the ocean
aqua bog races - dropping below the water and racing your poop back up to surface.
Even when you win u lose.
Keen - really excited
Tucker - food
And finally
Shitcunt means, well, shitcunt
Great week, still feel like I'm swaying, love my new mates, they are a bunch of good blokes, even that shitcunt Woodley. As awesome as that trip was, and as pissed as I was from skulling all those drinks, I am as keen as mustard to get the hell away from you animals.
Book count: laura 9 - Johan 4.5 - I lost the book I was reading but I read a long magazine so I am giving myself credit for half a book.
Cheers.
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