Naples aka New Jersey is a hot, dirty, gross city that I don't even think the Italians want to be part of. If Rome is New York, then Naples is definitely its ugly cousin. The smell of garbage is ubiquitous in this city, its as if Oscar the grouch took residency here, but instead of finding one dumpster to live in, he nomadically lived in hundreds. Naturally I tried to lean on almost all of them.
A striking feature of Naples is the fact that it has 448 historical churches, making it one of the most Catholic cities in the world. So naturally its the perfect place for a Jew.
Did you know that there are black people in Italy? I didn't. Apparently the italians aren't too thrilled about it either. Whoa, did that just come out as extremely racist, I think it did. Did I mention how much I loved Boyz in the hood? Wait, that makes me seem like I'm trying to hard. I'm wayne brady's biggest fan, the perfect alibi, even black people don't consider him african american.
Yup, I have just crossed the threshold of 'look how racist I can seem by telling people how racist I'm not'. I have black friends by the way....ok one black friend.
Random Napoli Tally:
African Americans in Naples: 60
Temples in Naples: 0
Jews in Naples: 1
It's as if the italian government decided 75 years ago that they would try and limit all of the jews and blacks in exchange for horribly mismatched clothing styles involving the brightest colors imaginable. Quite frankly, I think they made the right choice. Hot pink capri shorts go perfectly with your lime green donald duck tee and skechers, signore.
Do you think Africa is openly disgusted by Shakira at this point? At first they were probably loving the fact that a pop song put them on the map, but between the world cup and endless radio play they are now entering what I call "the empire state of mind effect" where at first you can't wait to hear the song on, it brings the house down in bars, and its almost certain to be played at least once in a sporting event, but now its become that song for locals about New York. You may scoff now Katie Perry fans, but youre next.
Other empire state of mind effect finalists:
Lynrd skynard - sweet home Alabama
Shipping up to boston - drop kick murphys
Viva las vegas - Elvis
Concord road - mr. Squilante
One flaw in this theory, I still go ape shit when Jay Z comes on. But apparently the Saffas do not, thus how the theory began. I hate to say it, but I think South beach is next. "After 6 years on Degrassi, I've decided to take my chorus to Miami" - Drake
It was tough, but I finally said goodbye to the mullet and let Scrappy Coco make me silky smooth. People kill for Italian haircuts, I had an hour to kill. Not that I'm complaining, Zohan made me silky smooth, but really was there any doubt? I have the most versatile hair in the game today. There was something oddly satisfying about the way italian zohan massaged my scalp to Color Me Badd. He sexed up my hair in all the right ways. For better or worse I did not get the back room treatment after he was done, and I thought that my 5 euro tip would at least give me a gel job.
Scaled Rating of Naples:
Cleanliness: 1
Nightlife: 2
Safety: 1
Prettiness: 1
Tourist attractions: 1
Museums: 1
Churches: 448 (but really a 3)
Food: 2
People: 2
Good looking italian male hairdressers: 9
Pizza: 10
Hands down the best pizza I've ever had in my life. Sorry Dubrovnick, but did you really stand a chance against the birthplace of pizza? I think not. As delicious as the pizza has been, don't put pictures of your pizza making italian grandmother on your menu when its clearly visible that its the crying indian from US. Just saying.
Spent the day in Pompei today, since I am a teacher I think its time I took you fools to school for a very brief history lesson. Pompei was victim to the worlds most famous volcano disaster, also known as the first time 13 year old boys opened their first playboy. Mt vesuvious eruption has happened 3 times since then in the last 4 thousand years, suffice it to say I was dissapointed when I left without an erupting volcano or destroyed town. The entire city was buried under lava killing 10% of the cities population. Because of this catastrophic demise pompei has become Italy's top tourist attraction with about 2.3 million people going to see the ruins of the old city. I'm no math major, but I'd say that is worth 2000 deaths, and if you don't believe me, believe the t-shirt that I bought that says "2000 people died in vain so Johan + Laura could spend 11 euros and 2 hours walking around rubble"
(Disclaimer: shirt doesn't actually exist...yet)
RIP my favorite pillow of all time. Also RIP my travel fan, but that happened a few weeks ago and wasn't nearly as devestaing. My Hi-C pillow though has survived through 7 years, 4 relationships, 5 different apartments/houses, 3 pillow cases, 2 different burnings and subsequent sew job, 1 derek, and a thousand wonderful nights. My only hope that is that some lucky child in Faeto is enjoying it as much as I would...even if she doesn't know what HI-C is. I will not rest until I find a replacement though, and will search the Amazon until I do. You can find me on the bathroom floor between the hours of 2-4 and 6-8, refreshments will be served at the bar inbetween. Visiting hours are when you hear the shower running, as it is the only thing that can sufficiently mask my tears. I piece of me thought that Foxx jr. would be sleeping with HI-C when he was younger. You will be missed dear pillow, REST IN FAETO sweet prince.
Jersey Shore reruns are on MTV italy, and oddly enough it is one of the few programs here that are not dubbed, but really how do you dub sayings like "Wah", "Haterade" and "The Sitch". Watching it here though makes me wonder what Italians actually think of it.
"Is this what happens to us when we become Americanized?"
"Your right, let's just go to Naples instead"
Ciao.
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